I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
