Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
