Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Randomize
