I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
