Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
