No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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