Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
