I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
