I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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