I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
