Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
