You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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