dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I met the friendliest cop last night
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
