we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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