there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
