just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
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