I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
God gave him joint rollers for hands
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
