my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
he fucked my hip out of place.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
