wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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