I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize