I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
