a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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