today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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