im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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