Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
