apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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