Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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