Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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