How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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