I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
