I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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