4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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