I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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