Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
