Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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