Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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