We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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