I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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