just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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