Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Randomize
