1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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