good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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