you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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