just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize