I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
