How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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