3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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