i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
