Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Too much gin, very little bucket
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
