I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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