Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
