WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
