In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
