Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
