I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
