Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
