The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
