My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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