get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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