Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
