I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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