oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
