I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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